Plummeting wildly, I see the floor.

Posted on April 4, 2013

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For any who still follow this, I’m sorry about the two months of time off.

I have come to realize that my lows, and my highs, aren’t normal.

And for a time I was very, very low.  I can honestly say if I owned a handgun I would have eaten it.  I’ve always said that if I ever got so bad killing myself would be an option I wouldn’t, because spreading that kind of misery is always a better option.

The past couple months have put paid to that lie.

When I am dropping life starts to take on relativistic effects.  My personal time, the way I feel I am moving, seems normal but everything around me is sped up.  I can’t keep up with the rest of the world.  Hence, two months blow by without me putting a single word down.  My studying goes to shit.  I can’t find time for my family, my friends, and even though I’m not getting anything done I still can’t find the time for enough sleep.  My risk assessment capabilities are gone, because I just don’t care.

When I’m up, when I’m peaking, there are too many hours.  I start to take on more than I can handle normally because I’m bored.  My risk assessment is still blown all to pieces because I feel bullet proof.

Lately there has been a lot more down than up.

Everyone has good days and bad.  I thought my good days were normal and my bad days just were.  Things have happened recently that shook me from that.

I hate that I feel this way and I hate that my brain isn’t working right.  I hate that I have to get help but  I hate that I’m hurting those around me more.

There are people I admire that are going through worse, and I know it, and I beat myself to pieces for feeling miserable, even though I’m starting to realize my misery isn’t entirely my fault.  We pride ourselves on our ability to control ourselves and I hate that I can’t control this.

Let me rephrase, I hate that I can’t control this without help.  Our society stigmatizes any kind of mental illness.  I’m stigmatizing my own mental illness.  I know it’s self defeating but I’m doing it anyway.  I say that anyone who needs help should get it but I hate myself for needing to do the same.

But it’s getting better.  For a while it felt like it wouldn’t, but I’m still here.  Some screwy wiring in my brain didn’t beat me this time.  Hopefully, with help, recognizing the issue, and some structure it won’t get so close again.  I’ll try to get back to something resembling regular posting.  There will still be a lot of vitriol because I am, at root, still an opinionated asshole.  I have some especially mean, but true, things to say about some past presidents.

Again, sorry it took so long.

That is all.

 

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Posted in: Me, Writing